Twelve weeks ago, my father—the last of my direct ancestors—died. As I adjust to a world without dad, unfamiliar feelings are rising in me and I have been struggling to put words to them. Is this simply grief? Or is it symbolic of more?
I feel like I am sitting motionless in water. Adrift, unmoored, untethered, rudderless, foundation-less. My tie to my forefathers was cut and I am unattached. Grief and responsibilities toss me to and fro and I no longer guide my course. I am insecure. I am an orphan. It is all very weird.
Now the mantel of matriarch rests on me and my siblings. Perhaps this is “adulting” in its final form. What is strange is that I haven’t relied on my father for decision making or financial provision for many years, and yet I feel his loss. He symbolized provision, care, protection and now he’s gone.
My father’s death forces me to change, to adjust. It stretches me. It takes me out of my comfort zone. I am handed unwanted tasks that make me feel small and inept. I am required to deal with a world that is different, to steward new financial gifts, to relate to and cooperate with siblings on a new level, to help disburse his assets. These are the things that, to me, take extra energy and grief has sapped mine.
And so I am resisting this new level of growing up. I want to default to the familiar, the comfortable, the easy. Let my days be same and boring, without event. This constant change and needing to call on my “adult self” is too much. I want to be taken care of, to be coddled.
Deep down, I realize I am anxious. Anxious because things have changed. Anxious about the new choices and decisions I have to make. Anxious about the level of interaction I must now have with my siblings. Anxious about my future because life is temporary.
And so I do what I always do in times like these. I turn to the Truth. I tell myself that
God is my Security: I find him an anchor for the soul, firm and secure in Hebrews 6:19
He is my Provision: Psalm 37:25 reminds me the righteous are never forsaken or will their children beg for bread.
He gives me Guidance and Protection: He is my hiding place. He will protect me. He will instruct me and teach me in the way I should go. He will counsel me with his loving eye on me. His unfailing love surrounds me as I trust in him. Psalm 32:7-11
He is my Connection: God has not left me as an orphan. He has come to me in the form of the Spirit of truth. He is my advocate to help me and be with me forever. I am in him and he is in me. John 14:16-20
Father God, help me to be a true adult, to be rid of co-dependency and the need to be taken care of by my daddy, my husband, my boys or anyone else. There will be times I need to rely on the help of others - but not from a place of soul neediness. Today, I rely on You, my true provider. I trust You, my protector, and I come to You to fill me up. I talk to You, spend time with You, connect with You. I ask You to guide me through each task that is difficult or uncomfortable.